Easter Mudbogging 2005

It was the night before Easter and all through my trailer, there was no girl, not that if there was could I nail her. I flipped through the channels and what did I see, nothing worth watching on the TV. So I called up old Wilder, who refused to go out, "man up and grow a pair" I said in a shout. I told him that I wanted to go to my favorite place in West VA, to which he replied "hell yeah, ok." It's a honky tonk called Rainbow Road Club, with beers, tunes, and grub. With Aaron and Victor, J.T. and Josh, I started preparing for a night where I'd be sloshed. I sped along Route 7 from Ashburn to Frederick County, dreaming the whole time of a girl who would mount me.

In an hour thirty from my phone call to arival at our meeting location, I drank lots of water, fearing dehydration. On the way there I had to pee in a cup, a price you must pay when you have a small bladder. I saw ahead of me a JMU sticker on a Volkswagon, my foot to the floor I pulled up along the drivers window and saw a girl I'd give anything to be shaggin'. My eyebrows raised, my smile grew bigger and mouthed to her "what's up?" She looked away toward her friend and they started to chatter. Never fear, my friend, I really didn't care, I stomped on the pedal and turned the music up to a blare.

Around 11PM we arrived at the bar, hearing the band playing some badass Kenny Chesney, the song called "Big Star." "A six pack of Coors lite," I asked of the old hillbilly bar maid, she handed me my change and told me to stick around after closing if I wanted to get laid. I said thanks but no thanks, I may have low standards, but they are standards none the less. Sauntering back to my buddies I saw good ole JT, a girl was sitting on his lap and he had an expression of "I'm as happy as I can be." The girl was Aaron's cousin, but by the way she was actin' you wouldn't know they was kin. She was dancing on JT like she stripper, and guys walking by started pulling out money to tip her. I swear to you, I kid you not, she pulled her shirt down and I saw her nips,"Christ we are in a bar and she just showed her tits?!!??!" I thought in my head how she must be out of her gourd, her cousins right next to her, and when she swung her leg over J.T.'s head Aaron's beer she done poured. Onto his lap with a careless kick, a beer was spilt by some lap dancing hick.

Last call was 2:00 in the AM, it was now Easter, a spiritual holiday, and we were about to go break many laws, but our elusive nature allowed us to avoid Johnny Law, Mr. Sherrif's Depu-tay. To Wilder's grandparents farm did we speed, no sooner did we get there than Victor's nose began to bleed. For some reason or another I took my eyes off the field and cold cocked him across the face; I'll tell you this now, we didn't crash straight into a tree that night by little baby Jesus's amazing grace. It seemed like we plowed the fields and tore up the grass for hours and hours, but not even thirty minutes did pass. The old Exploder got stuck, the tie rod had broke, we were through; and before we knew it, before we could get pulled out, Aaron in his yellow wrangler got stuck too.

While thinking about how to resolve our plight, Aaron's cousin jumps out of his car to fight. Mudwrestle that is, another girl who came along, she took off her shirt, boobies dangling all out and stripped down to her thong. The two girls rolled around in the mud on a cold March dawn, covered in mud with the rest of us guys standing around, our mouths wide open like we were about to yawn. Sooner or later, Titties McGee, got tired of wrestling and took a seat on ole J.T.'s knee. She pulled out her cell and made a few calls, to a guy who would soon be left in the morning with 2 blue balls. This fellow drove a wrecker and came down from WV, hoping to score with this lady, sitting upon ole J.T.'s knee. He was pissed, we could tell, but kept his mouth closed, thinking to himself "that bitch can go to Hell." He pulled us out and we gave him some money, but between us all we had was a twenty. He sped off the farm like a bat out of Hell, leaving me to think about the tie rod and maneuvering around my wheel well.

Lucky for me Aaron's dad had a body shop with a hydraulic jack, but all else was closed and we couldn't even go to Mickey D's for a snack. We drove to every car shop, ever auto parts store, in all of Frederick County, and the ones that were open we got the same answer, "sold out, ain't got anymore."

Fate smiled upon us at the AutoZone downtown, which made my frown turn upsidedown. Installing the tie rod was essentially a simple task, but not cleaning the mud out of an off of my car which smelled like a hobo's flask. I got home in one peice very late Easter night, my mom was angry, pissed off, she was being uptight. "Sorry to miss breakfast," I said with sincerity, but she was angry, knew the story but would not take pity on me. To this day my front bumper looks completely effed up, for when we hit that ditch my fog lamps were ripped off.

Kids, the moral of the story is this: Never go to a bar with a friend who's cousin is giving lap dances.